I didn’t realize what I was doing when I first recognized my salvation. I was reading the bible and hearing all the good things about the saints in them. The 12 Disciples were placed on a pedestal. David, Abraham, Sarah, Rahab, and so many others were right there with them. I didn’t realize by saying to God then that I wanted to have faith like Job, that I would have the tests of Job. Didn’t realize wanting to be like David – “a man after God’s own heart” – that I would have to repeatedly fight Goliath.
When new saints come into the realization of what their lives should be, the church should make a conscious effort to prepare them for the hell that’s coming. I thought this walk, my journey as I like to call it, would be like walking on the beach with the perfect temperature of the sun hitting my skin and the water just warm enough to be pleasant to my feet. I love the beach by the way and this is the ideal setting for me. I thought I had it made, no more worries, no more struggles, no more craziness.
Boy, was I wrong. After the honeymoon phase, hell broke loose. And, I mean loose!!! Attack upon attack upon attack upon attack upon attack. I would go to church, hear the sermon, thought I had it and bam!! The car wouldn’t start or there was a threat of eviction or there was a threat to turn the power off. Everywhere I turned outside the walls of the church, there was no peace. So, I ran back to church every time I could. Thinking, I would get what I needed, that I had missed something.
Truth was, I did. I missed that what I was learning on the inside of the building, I needed to be studying outside of the building. What I was feeling on the inside of the building, I needed to feel on the outside of the building. What I wanted above all else – peace of mind – I could obtain. One small key could turn the lock on what I needed. I had to give myself away, totally, completely. I had to free myself of the need to control me, my environment, my thoughts, my way of life. I had to let go.
In this journey, I’ve heard so many times, Let Go and Let God. It was a cute phrase, but there was no teaching behind the words. What do you mean – Let Go and Let God? I thought I had by coming to church and admitting that Jesus is my Savior. What did I miss? My aha moment didn’t come sitting in the sanctuary. It wasn’t revealed in a song. I heard His voice, small and inside of me. There was a quietness in the peace. There was an understanding there. Strength based on love radiated from the inside of me. The message was simple – Stop trying to be Me.
Sitting in my car during lunch break, the tears flowed. I had become so use to controlling my world, that it was like breathing. I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong by trying to keep myself above water. I had to learn how to trust Him and trust IN Him. 2 different things. Trusting Him was the easy part. I trusted Him to love me and provide me with forgiveness, grace and mercy. Trusting IN Him was difficult. I had to learn that putting my trust in God wasn’t a fly by night experience. I had to literally take my hands-off situations and learn to stop worrying about them. I would tell myself when doubt seeped in, where is your trust? I would hear – O ye’ of little faith. The control freak in me was having a nervous breakdown. The spirit in me was growing stronger every time I leaned on God and not myself. I started to see that my trust in God wasn’t misplaced. Eventually, my problems didn’t outweigh my God. Now, when something comes up, I ask Him what is happening and what I should do. If I don’t hear an answer, I don’t move until I do. And, if it doesn’t come, then it just doesn’t come. I move on and don’t worry about solving every little issue, every little thing. Crazy to some. But it’s the way I must live my life now. Otherwise, the control demon that ruled me before will be able to rise from the ashes and have her way again.
All along, I was told to Let Go and Let God. The words were spot on, but lacked direction. If you are helping a new saint, be sure to explain your words and not just recite them. They sound pretty, but we should be teaching how to live a God centered life. That doesn’t mean rebuking people until they acquiesce (comply). The love of God doesn’t do that. He builds you up with love. Saints, build up the kingdom with words of love and deeds inspired by the same. You don’t’ want church goers in the building. You want Kingdom citizens.
Be A Blessing & Not Just Blessed